Should you Trust Someone with a History of Infidelity?

Every woman with a married boyfriend knows what it is to endure the uncertainty and anxiety that are an intrinsic part of such a relationship. And even when he agrees to leave his wife and family, can you really trust him – a person with a history of infidelity who has once gone back on his wedding vows and may do so yet again?

TIP: Read the guide to prevent a break up or get back with your ex.

The most difficult part about committing yourself to a married boyfriend is knowing whether to trust him. Remember this is the same guy who cheated on his wife when he started an affair with you. Perhaps you felt attractive and special at your ability to snare a married man or perhaps you felt he needed a partner more understanding of his needs and desires. Whatever the original motivation of the affair, you both felt alive and on a high like no other in each other’s company. So special may have been the attraction, that your boyfriend even agreed to dump his wife and kids and commit himself to you completely. And yet you are worried whether history will repeat itself with him, whether the next time you will find yourself in the shoes of the jilted partner while your lover goes out in search of yet another pair of shoulders eager to let him rest his tired head on. So before you give in to his person, thrash out all trust issues that you may have – so that you don’t have to hear the tiny voice in your head saying “I told you so”, in case your ardent lover decides to cheat on you as well.

However not all men who find love outside a marriage may be serial cheaters. You can find important clues to a guy’s trustworthiness in other parts of his life. Does he repeatedly lie to this boss or colleagues on his whereabouts or work commitments even if they have nothing to do with you? Does he think nothing of pocketing the extra change a waiter or cabdriver may have mistakenly handed over to him? If the guy feels such daily acts of dishonesty are no big deal and carries on with impunity, beware. They could indicate a deeply-entrenched duplicity and a seriously dishonest personality. 

Yet another hint to a guy’s personality lies in the manner he first got acquainted to you. Were you aware from the very first meeting that your boyfriend was married or did you find about a wife and family stashed away in the suburbs almost a month after you had been dating this guy? If it is the latter, then very likely you are one among a series of mistresses and not worth trading a comfortable lifestyle in exchange of a huge alimony and child support. On the other hand, if your boyfriend had revealed his marital status from the very beginning, he may have some vestige of honesty and decide to do the right thing by his wife as well as you. Even though this is not a foolproof sign that he will not cheat on you the same way he has done on his wife, it is still better than the combination of a lying lover and a cheating husband.

You could also get a useful insight into your boyfriend’s personality by talking to people who know him. While family members and close friends may not be very forthcoming on your guy’s past relationships, colleagues and casual acquaintances like someone who went to the same gym or worked in the same building as your boyfriend may reveal valuable nuggets of information. If you find that he has a history of multiple marriages or forever seems to be in and out of relationships, think very carefully before committing yourself to this guy. He may be willing to walk out on his wife and kids for your sake today but this is not to say that he will not do the same for some other woman tomorrow.

Most of all remember that a huge difference in dating a married guy and living with him once he decides to leave his wife and family for you. The chief attraction in an extra-marital affair is the thrill of doing something not acceptable as well as the sex. Once you begin to live with your boyfriend like a couple and realize that bills have to be paid and the freezer has to be stacked up for the week ahead, things may not look so appealing as before. The fantasies of a passionate life-long affair are often not strong enough to withstand the mundane concerns of routine life.

Finally consider what this relationship will do for you. Despite the easing of social mores and traditional norms, dating a married man is still looked down upon by mainstream society and is seen as almost equivalent to adultery. You may find your family against your relationship, your friends avoiding you, your co-workers talking about you and at least one family – that of your boyfriend – definitely hating you. In the end the surfeit of negative emotions brought about by this relationship may even force you to think badly of yourself and lead to a lack of self-worth and self-assurance. So even if your married boyfriend agrees to leave his family for you, ask yourself whether you will be strong enough to withstand the image of the home-breaker and its negative associations. If your boyfriend's infidelity is established in divorce court, it can make the divorce messier. The alimony payments can be a drain on his finances, something you should consider if you are planning on marrying him.

Despite all these concerns, it does not meant that a guy who has been married before cannot be trusted to be a loving and faithful partner in another relationship. No relationship can work on assumptions and it is unfair to hold a person hostage to his past. The guy who loves you enough to leave his family may be simply trapped in a bad marriage and looking for a more understanding partner. In the end, the only way know for sure is to do some background checking so that you can weed out the serial adulterer from someone really deserving of your trust and love.